Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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