Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
