I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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