The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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