This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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