im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
