ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
