I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
