Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
