I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
