Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
