I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
