if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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