Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
