How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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