you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
