So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
