So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry my hands just texted you
We left the knife in your bed.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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