Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
