Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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