Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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