Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
