I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
