3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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