Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
