I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
