Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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