I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
