i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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