Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
