We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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