Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
