Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
