She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
