I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This is my gift to your gina
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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