So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
