i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
