Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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