Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
