Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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