Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
