forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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