I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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