does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
