I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
