I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
