If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
