If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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