Kiss
Puke
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As shirtless as possible
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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