You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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